Wedding Humor: “Wedding Gift Calculator”
Thomas J. Kelly of I Hate Weddings has devised a mathematical formula for figuring out how much money to give at a wedding. He starts with a base figure of $75.00. Excerpts:
You brought a date to the wedding.
Add $75.00
You were invited to bring a date but couldn’t find one.
Add $25.00
You were not invited to bring a date.
Subtract $25.00
You were not invited to bring a date but brought one anyway.
Add $5.00
This is the bride or groom’s second or third marriage
Subtract $50.00
Open Bar for alcohol
Add $25.00
Cash Bar for alcohol
(*Ask for a receipt every time you order a drink. Deduct the total amount of money you spent on alcohol. Then put the receipts in the envelope with your gift)
Subtract *
Dinner is served Buffet Style
Subtract $10.00
The reception is a Denny’s Breakfast buffet.
Subtract $20.00
Cash Bar for soda **
(**If they charge you for soda at the wedding DO NOT GIVE A GIFT. Immediately,
go to the bride, kick her in the shin and then go home.)
They hired a band
Add $5.00 for each piece
This is the first time the band has ever played a gig outside of their garage.
Subtract $4.00 for each piece
The band is a "Neil Diamond Tribute" band.
Subtract $10.00
The D.J. or band leader can’t remember the bride or groom’s name.
Subtract $10.00
The D.J. or band played "The Chicken Dance," "The Macarena," or "The YMCA".
Subtract $5.00 for each
You were in the bridal party or given a special role in the wedding.
Add $50.00
You had to rent a tux or buy a dress for the wedding.
Subtract $10.00
Someone at the wedding volunteers to serenade the Bride and Groom with a song he/she wrote specifically for their wedding.
Subtract $10.00
You serenade the Bride and Groom with a song you wrote specifically for their wedding.
Add $75.00
You were asked to fill out your own thank you card envelope.
Subtract $75.00
